Who are You REALLY?

When I lived at Lama Foundation, a spiritual community started by Ram Dass in the late 60s/early 70s, we were called Lama Beans. The community was on a mountain just outside of Taos, New Mexico. It was 10,000 plus feet up in elevation on some old Native American land. The living was simple: straw bale houses, outhouses, outdoor showers in the summer. Solar power was our main power source. Winters were brutal up there. The community operated as a retreat center in the summer, and all community members went into hermitage mode in the non-summer months. So basically, you had 8 months of the year to go within! You were said to come into Lama a dried bean...and after being pressure cooked for a year, you left soft, mushy and delicious!

For my striving for balance self, the all work then no work schedule did not resonate! I lasted half a year in the community before I felt the need to be boiled elsewhere! ...After all, if we don't choose to be boiled, life will do it for us-- and often when we least expect it!

On the spiritual path, there is said to be many trials and tribulations. When we open to really getting to know ourselves, a Pandora's Box of chaos flows out; and that is where the fun begins!

Wren's father and I separated over a year and a half ago (we never married). It was a very hard choice to make-- as raising a child in a 2 home family was the not path I would have chosen on a conscious level for my daughters upbringing. However, a series of events and a deep whisper from my Heart led me to make this choice-- which then became a mutual choice for us both. (I believe Wren definitely "chose" us as her parents. She was a surprise pregnancy in a very new relationship-- but this may be explored more in a future post.)

For the past 18 months I have been a single parent. It has been one of the greatest challenges I have yet experienced in my life. It is truly showing me what I am made of! I will admit that this past year and a half has been filled with a lot of inner turmoil. While Wren's father is not the partner I am meant to be with for this life, I still have to co-parent with him. Our culture is permeated by divorced and separated parents trying to raise children. It is a new phenomenon and a MAJOR spiritual lesson! How do 2 people that just don't get each other-- or maybe even like each other-- continue to raise a child to be open to their own heart and mind on this planet? That is something I am currently living the answer to.

Unfortunately, we have had to get lawyers and are in the process of working out a legal agreement-- which is an area of life I am totally new to! I definitely have a greater appreciation for lawyers and what they represent in situations like this!

This whole situation has opened me to my Spirituality and Who I AM, on a deeper level. To be honest, it is revealing a lot of fears and shadows. It is true that we must walk through the darkness to appreciate the light. I am definitely in the midst of this darkness right now. My practice-- yoga, reiki and meditation, is my saving grace.
My offerings to others have also been a saving grace. I feel so, so blessed to be doing the work that I do in the world. When my clients come in, they give me SO, SO much, just by being who they are, where they are! It is amazing to also feel the bliss and peace of the healings they receive (and ultimately give to themselves on a higher level). When my client feels peace, I feel it too!

Right now, I am feeling humbled and grateful for the simple blessings of life. When I have been experiencing mental stress over my current legal predicament, I ask the Universe for guidance. Last night I got a fortune cookie message that said:

...Would you call that a sign???

I am reminded that we are never alone. In our deepest, darkest moments, we are held, supported and guided by Life!

I am GRATEFUL for you, who is reading this. You have stepped into my Heart... which holds both dark and light in this season of going within.

NAMASTE, my reader. THE LIGHT IN ME HONORS THE LIGHT WITHIN YOU!

Here is a video that helped me recently, if you are going through some troubles, maybe it will help you too!

I'm going to post the Rumi poem about the chickpea that was our theme at Lama...

Chickpea to Cook

A chickpea leaps almost over the rim of the pot
where it's being boiled.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

The cook knocks him down with the ladle.

"Don't you try to jump out.
You think I'm torturing you.
I'm giving you flavor,
so you can mix with spices and rice
and be the lovely vitality of a human being.

Remember when you drank rain in the garden.
That was for this."

Grace first. Sexual pleasure,
then a boiling new life begins,
and the Friend has something good to eat.

Eventually the chickpea
will say to the cook,
"Boil me some more.
Hit me with the skimming spoon.
I can't do this by myself.

I'm like an elephant that dreams of gardens
back in Hindustan and doesn't pay attention
to his driver. You're my cook, my driver,
my way into existence. I love your cooking."

The cook says,
"I was once like you,
fresh from the ground. Then I boiled in time,
and boiled in the body, two fierce boilings.

My animal soul grew powerful.
I controlled it with practices,
and boiled some more, and boiled
once beyond that,
and became your teacher

~Rumi